Posts Tagged ‘Top 10’

Year in Review

Posted: December 28, 2010 in Top Lists

Well, year end is here and I… don’t have a final review ready. Huh, it just sort of happened. I’d meant to write one, but then I didn’t. I blame the whole ninja/pirate thing… and hipsters. Because hipsters ruin everything, don’t they?

So instead I’m closing the year out with a retrospective list of the reviews I liked the best. Not the best movies, oh sweet waffles, no. Just the reviews that I personally found amusing or that I’m particularly fond of. Yes, I know it’s useless, but it’s been an interesting year and truth be told I’m a little exhausted. So, let’s knock this one out quick and then go for drinks, what’d ya say?

Here are my 10 Favorite Reviews of 2010…

#10 You Think That Movie’s Bad?
Okay, not a review so much as a complaint. Having watched as many different movies as I have, it really sticks in my craw when someone labels a perfectly watchable movie as “One of the Worst Films Ever Made” or even gives something that I think is a good movie the distinction of “Unwatchable Garbage” for several reasons. My first reason is that I hate inaccurate use of language. Unwatchable means that it cannot be viewed as a coherent narrative or be enjoyed on any level. The things (hesitate to call them movies) in Shinobi: Complete Collection are, to my mind, unwatchable. It takes a lot for me to call something valueless and chuck the disc. Just because you don’t like it, doesn’t make it the worst movie ever made. Seriously, Maximum Overdrive is a hell of a movie and I will always defend it. It’s a drive through throwback and it’s stupid, giggly, MST3K worthy FUN! The point is that while I don’t write many non-reviews for the site, I do find some of them important. I’m going to try and write some more non-review content in the New Year, but no promises.

#9 Omaha (the movie)
The one just surprised me. I have sort of started to watch it and skipped through it over the years, but I’d never actually given it a full chance. I sat down ready to tear it to shreds and make fun of the whole thing, but I ended up actually sort of liking it. It’s not a great movie, but it’s a pretty good one. Tell you a secret, I was thinking of shutting down the Retroflix blog and deleting the whole stupid thing. Then I watched this movie and BAM(!) we could go on. This movie changed everything, I think because it’s just the sort of perfect movie for this blog. It’s obscure, but actually pretty worth looking for and worth watching with some friends. I felt re-energized after watching this, I felt like we could go on. I was so confident, that I held back review to post the Alice in Wonderland and Black Dynamite reviews since those were written as soon as I’d seen each movie. So yeah, this movie saved the blog, and as a movie it’s… just okay.

#8 The Spirit
If I got even one person to re-watch this movie because of this review, then I have aimed my sights way too low. I don’t expect everyone to love this deconstruction of the modern comic book movie, but I felt like defending it. It’s no where near as bad as a lot of people claimed it was, and in many ways it’s awesome. I guess because it’s pretty high satire a lot of people didn’t get it. That’s a phrase I hate using, but I think it’s that simple. As much as I despise people claiming it as a defense, I think this time people just didn’t understand the joke that was The Spirit. Maybe you guys and should give it another try.

#7 The Two Jakes
Again, this is everything I like in a Retroflix review. An obscure movie that almost no one saw when it was out, and no one has ever really watched since. The best reviews come from the blankest of slates, because then I can just go off into tangents and foolish ideas. If no one has seen the movie, does it matter if I make up an alien invasion plot line? Maaaybe, but then again, maybe not. Either way, I like sparking the interest of whatever readers happen to come by and many have come by for this review.

#6 This is America, Charlie Brown “The Mayflower Voyagers”
This one is pretty much a declaration of war against bad history cartoons for kids. This thing is pretty unforgivable, committing every sin that bad educational cartoons can commit. Also, I only just noticed now, all the screen caps of Lucy show her being seriously pissed off and Charlie Brown is shoeless the whole time, even in the snow when realistically he would have at least wrapped his feet in cloth or animal fur. This is a bad cartoon and you shouldn’t watch it, just read the review.

#5 Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye
I really like Stephen King, and I really like anthology movies, so this year was a delightful opportunity to mix the two of them together. Normally I reserves September and October for horror movies, seeing it as a good run up to Halloween. This was my favorite of the reviews, at least I like it best right now. Maybe the Creepshow review was stronger, but I had more fun with this one.

#4 10 Classics Movies That I Don’t Love
I had this in mind for a long time before I wrote it and then quite a while went past before I actually posted it. I don’t like being negative in my reviews, and this was all negative. I tried to be fair, but since we were just talking about things I didn’t like, it was hard. However, I am sort of proud of myself for not deleting this one and going ahead with it. Now we just have to wait and see if I write the follow up “10 Things Geeks Love That I Hate” which would be an experiment in flame bating if ever you saw one.

#3 Hamlet
I had great fun compairing one of the greatest plays in the English language to some of the scummiest crap ever to “grace” our screens. I would rather do more analisis of film rather than telling you what goes on in the story and makign jokes when people do some really stupid things. If I were doing video reviews, snarking on the movies would go over better, but this is print. This is really a template for how I want to do more reviews in the future. The problem is that these are a bit more work than just explaining a movie and making some jokes about it. However, the jokes on the screen caps are really good in this one, even if I do say so myself.

#2 Victory Through Air Power
An obscure and obsolete movie that many people didn’t even know existed on a subject that has almost no relevance to the modern age, but was actually a hugely important step for the company that made it? Sign me up! You’ve probably noticed that my favorites are the obscure and the odd, which don’t get the hits like the He-Man & She-Ra Christmas Special does. Still, if I’m going to go down to the land of no hits and even less money, let me go down with review like this one. I was able to be informative and fairly entertaining through this review, which I like.

And of course the top prize goes to…
#1 Graffiti Bridge
What else could it be? This review changed everything for this place. It’s from this review that we have The Graffiti Bridge Scale after all. This movie is ineptly scripted, badly performed, and the editor needs to be questioned for several hours about who made him put his stamp of approval on the finished product, but I can’t help it. It’s such a glorious train wreck of a movie that I had to use it as a baseline. It is the perfect standard under which all other movies can be judged.

For a long time, I’ve had the idea that Kung-Fu movies, Westerns and Samurai movies were all essentially the same thing just for different cultures. Each dated back to the beginning of filmmaking, each looked back to a Golden Age that might never have really existed, and each fell out of favor for a long time only to see a resurgence in recent years. As a result, I decided to cast a wide net and get one great from each of the areas that these movies exist in. Since this is the last day, we’re going to have three from each genre.


The Greats: Sci-Fi

Posted: November 27, 2010 in Top Lists
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We all like Science Fiction, right? Maybe? A little? Well, you should, and here are the ten movies from that genre that you should see.


Holy crap! Someone stole the intro for this piece. Darn them thieves.


Pretty much, movies that take place before the time that the movie was shot in. That’s a historical piece and that’s all the criteria I used for picking these.


I fantasize about a world where I can get an intern to write intros for me.
I’m trying to cast a wide net with these selections, but this week I failed. Most of these were made within a few years of each other. I put it down to the fact that my formative years coincided quite nicely with a renaissance in fantasy filmmaking. A couple of obvious things like The Empire Strikes Back and Raiders of The Lost Ark aren’t here because they’ve already been addressed in last week’s entry.


The Greats: Horror

Posted: November 9, 2010 in Top Lists
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I’m too scared to write a proper into. Horror movies are scary!


If you want to know whether or not you should listen to a critic, you should hear what they think The Greats are. So here are my suggestions for you to peruse. We’ll start with movie series that I think are great.

I’m posting this first to avoid people thinking that I forgot to mention some of the movies that won’t be turning up. I’d hate to hear that it’s no big deal, but how could I forget to add that one movie to the list? That surely I couldn’t have thought it inferior, could I? Well, no of course not. What happened was I couldn’t decide which movie from a particular series to add to the list. You can’t go around naming every movie from a series, because then you’re just padding the list out to make ten. No, instead you’ve either got to name the group as a whole, or write a list made up entirely of series. I did the later. Here we have the ten film series that I think are essential to informed movie watching.


There is a flaw in this list. I’m hoping if I point it out in the introduction, I’ll be forgiven for the flaw. See, this isn’t really the best movies based on comic books that aren’t superhero themed, just the best ones I’ve personally seen. Ghost World is supposed to be really good, but I’ve just never gotten around to watching it. As a result, it can’t get on the list. That fact flaws this list immensely, but hopefully not to a point where it becomes unforgivable.


Let’s get something perfectly clear before we begin, I am a lover of the classics. I regularly get accused of never watching, or at least never enjoying, anything new. I’ve had people ask if I ever watch anything that’s in color. So, no actually, I’m not some young dick head who hates anything that doesn’t have an explosion every ten seconds. I like most your recognized classics, but some I just do not enjoy. I’ve made a list so that I can share it with you, which is probably a dumb thing to do because it’ll just cause comments from people demanding to know why I don’t offer hand jobs and Chips Ahoy Cookies to their favorite movie. I don’t care though! One of the most important parts of establishing a reader/critic relationship is letting the reader know what movies the critic likes and doesn’t like. Mind you, there is nothing actually wrong with most of these movies, I just don’t like them much. If anyone actually reads this list, I’m likely to get complaints about it.