Year in Review

Posted: December 28, 2010 in Top Lists

Well, year end is here and I… don’t have a final review ready. Huh, it just sort of happened. I’d meant to write one, but then I didn’t. I blame the whole ninja/pirate thing… and hipsters. Because hipsters ruin everything, don’t they?

So instead I’m closing the year out with a retrospective list of the reviews I liked the best. Not the best movies, oh sweet waffles, no. Just the reviews that I personally found amusing or that I’m particularly fond of. Yes, I know it’s useless, but it’s been an interesting year and truth be told I’m a little exhausted. So, let’s knock this one out quick and then go for drinks, what’d ya say?

Here are my 10 Favorite Reviews of 2010…

#10 You Think That Movie’s Bad?
Okay, not a review so much as a complaint. Having watched as many different movies as I have, it really sticks in my craw when someone labels a perfectly watchable movie as “One of the Worst Films Ever Made” or even gives something that I think is a good movie the distinction of “Unwatchable Garbage” for several reasons. My first reason is that I hate inaccurate use of language. Unwatchable means that it cannot be viewed as a coherent narrative or be enjoyed on any level. The things (hesitate to call them movies) in Shinobi: Complete Collection are, to my mind, unwatchable. It takes a lot for me to call something valueless and chuck the disc. Just because you don’t like it, doesn’t make it the worst movie ever made. Seriously, Maximum Overdrive is a hell of a movie and I will always defend it. It’s a drive through throwback and it’s stupid, giggly, MST3K worthy FUN! The point is that while I don’t write many non-reviews for the site, I do find some of them important. I’m going to try and write some more non-review content in the New Year, but no promises.

#9 Omaha (the movie)
The one just surprised me. I have sort of started to watch it and skipped through it over the years, but I’d never actually given it a full chance. I sat down ready to tear it to shreds and make fun of the whole thing, but I ended up actually sort of liking it. It’s not a great movie, but it’s a pretty good one. Tell you a secret, I was thinking of shutting down the Retroflix blog and deleting the whole stupid thing. Then I watched this movie and BAM(!) we could go on. This movie changed everything, I think because it’s just the sort of perfect movie for this blog. It’s obscure, but actually pretty worth looking for and worth watching with some friends. I felt re-energized after watching this, I felt like we could go on. I was so confident, that I held back review to post the Alice in Wonderland and Black Dynamite reviews since those were written as soon as I’d seen each movie. So yeah, this movie saved the blog, and as a movie it’s… just okay.

#8 The Spirit
If I got even one person to re-watch this movie because of this review, then I have aimed my sights way too low. I don’t expect everyone to love this deconstruction of the modern comic book movie, but I felt like defending it. It’s no where near as bad as a lot of people claimed it was, and in many ways it’s awesome. I guess because it’s pretty high satire a lot of people didn’t get it. That’s a phrase I hate using, but I think it’s that simple. As much as I despise people claiming it as a defense, I think this time people just didn’t understand the joke that was The Spirit. Maybe you guys and should give it another try.

#7 The Two Jakes
Again, this is everything I like in a Retroflix review. An obscure movie that almost no one saw when it was out, and no one has ever really watched since. The best reviews come from the blankest of slates, because then I can just go off into tangents and foolish ideas. If no one has seen the movie, does it matter if I make up an alien invasion plot line? Maaaybe, but then again, maybe not. Either way, I like sparking the interest of whatever readers happen to come by and many have come by for this review.

#6 This is America, Charlie Brown “The Mayflower Voyagers”
This one is pretty much a declaration of war against bad history cartoons for kids. This thing is pretty unforgivable, committing every sin that bad educational cartoons can commit. Also, I only just noticed now, all the screen caps of Lucy show her being seriously pissed off and Charlie Brown is shoeless the whole time, even in the snow when realistically he would have at least wrapped his feet in cloth or animal fur. This is a bad cartoon and you shouldn’t watch it, just read the review.

#5 Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye
I really like Stephen King, and I really like anthology movies, so this year was a delightful opportunity to mix the two of them together. Normally I reserves September and October for horror movies, seeing it as a good run up to Halloween. This was my favorite of the reviews, at least I like it best right now. Maybe the Creepshow review was stronger, but I had more fun with this one.

#4 10 Classics Movies That I Don’t Love
I had this in mind for a long time before I wrote it and then quite a while went past before I actually posted it. I don’t like being negative in my reviews, and this was all negative. I tried to be fair, but since we were just talking about things I didn’t like, it was hard. However, I am sort of proud of myself for not deleting this one and going ahead with it. Now we just have to wait and see if I write the follow up “10 Things Geeks Love That I Hate” which would be an experiment in flame bating if ever you saw one.

#3 Hamlet
I had great fun compairing one of the greatest plays in the English language to some of the scummiest crap ever to “grace” our screens. I would rather do more analisis of film rather than telling you what goes on in the story and makign jokes when people do some really stupid things. If I were doing video reviews, snarking on the movies would go over better, but this is print. This is really a template for how I want to do more reviews in the future. The problem is that these are a bit more work than just explaining a movie and making some jokes about it. However, the jokes on the screen caps are really good in this one, even if I do say so myself.

#2 Victory Through Air Power
An obscure and obsolete movie that many people didn’t even know existed on a subject that has almost no relevance to the modern age, but was actually a hugely important step for the company that made it? Sign me up! You’ve probably noticed that my favorites are the obscure and the odd, which don’t get the hits like the He-Man & She-Ra Christmas Special does. Still, if I’m going to go down to the land of no hits and even less money, let me go down with review like this one. I was able to be informative and fairly entertaining through this review, which I like.

And of course the top prize goes to…
#1 Graffiti Bridge
What else could it be? This review changed everything for this place. It’s from this review that we have The Graffiti Bridge Scale after all. This movie is ineptly scripted, badly performed, and the editor needs to be questioned for several hours about who made him put his stamp of approval on the finished product, but I can’t help it. It’s such a glorious train wreck of a movie that I had to use it as a baseline. It is the perfect standard under which all other movies can be judged.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s