TV Review: Beverly Hillbillies Thanksgiving (Pain Box)

Posted: November 18, 2010 in Holiday, Pain Box, Reviews
Tags: , , , , , ,

The Beverly Hillbillies: Turkey Day (1963 CBS Dir. Richard Whorf)

The Beverly Hillbillies is to the south what a Minstrel show is to blacks. It’s nasty, ugly, and carries a lot of very offensive jokes that just are not funny. This episode is in black and white, and it’s hard to think of a time when this was on in prime time, instead of weekday afternoons. Actually, in this day and age it’s hard to imagine this hateful crap was on screen at all. There can be no mystery as to why so many people in America think people from the south are stupid when watching this. This is practically a cavalcade of bigotry, and I hate every moment of it. However, I bought the thing and I need to have a review for this slot so I guess I’d better get to it.

A chill just ran down Jack Haley’s spine.

So anyway, this episode starts with Granny singing a song, accompanied by an unseen band. Don’t know where the band comes from, but there it is. Phantoms banjos music, presumably played by people who want you to squeal like a piggy. She’s getting ready to cook a turkey that was given to them by the Drysdales. When she goes out to check the turkey, she finds that the turkey has vanished, probably stolen by… um… the girl. What’s her name? Betty Sue? Fanny May? Wait a second, they called her Elly. Her name is Elly then, who knew? So Elly… yeah, it seems she doesn’t want them to whack the bird. A lot of the jokes surround the fact that the Clampetts are a bunch of stupid, red neck hicks. It’s not even that they’re simple or don’t understand our modern urban ways, I mean stupid. They are shown to be just as dumb as my left shoe and without the sense The Great Waffle gave a garbage can. How was this a popular show? The word “vittles” seems to be a punch line here. Why is vittles a punch line? WHY? Why are they still wearing rope belts and check shirts? Don’t they have like, billions of dollars? Why buy a huge mansion in Beverly Hills and then continue to dress in a tattered jacket and battered hat? If they were so in love with simplicity, why didn’t they stay back home? It’s a stupidity that confounds me.

I don’t know what it is, but if it were alive, I’d try to have sex with it.

A long period is taken up by these guys thinking a billiard table is a dinner table. Not only that, they think a rhino is called a billiard, or rather a Billy-ard. To further their moronic presentation to the level of people who try to eat their own feet, they believe that the billiard table is so named because it was designed to eat billiards on. I am really left looking at the screen and shouting “WHAT?” at the top of my lungs. How is it that none of them has ever seen a billiards table before? They didn’t come from Saturn, they came from the Ozarks! I’ve BEEN to the Ozarks, they HAVE billiard tables out there and these guys should know what they are. It’s like the writers think that everyone from any part of the rural areas is an alien masquerading as a pretentious moron who knows nothing of our human ways. I keep expecting to see one of them get their faces scratched and revel the lizard skin under the mask like in V and ask what this thing called love is. That would be the proper V from ’83, not the new one that sucks.

*Running gag alert!* See, I was thinking since it was alive, I could have sex with it!

Then there is some more gibberish about the bird that Elly* doesn’t want to kill. Evidently she taught him to shake hands, which she gets him to do a lot. I mean a lot, a lot. A tedious number of times really. When Jed, that’s his name right? When Jed comes to kill the bird, he sort of feels sorry for it and decides to get a “billiard” instead. He has come to the conclusion that they are easy to find in the city of Beverly Hills. You know what? They also have picture books in the Ozarks, they should know what a rhino is. Are they completely incurious? They had a rhino in their house and never once asked what that thing on the wall is? Anyway, Granny balks at the idea of cooking that huge beast and gets Jethro to “clean and dress” the bird. This leads to a HIGH-larious instance of Jethro bringing in a bird with clothes on. How stupid is he? Someone would have explained the “clean and dress” thing to him at some point! Magical, how the hell did this crap ever get on TV?
*we’re agreed her name is Elly right? Because I don’t care. She could be called Fanny or The Vampire Lestat for all I care.

Even a turkey should have some dignity! Take off the stupid sailor’s cap.

The requisite racism of olden days TV then make an appearance and ramps right up with a pair of “Indians” hanging out with the Drysdales. They’re supposed to take a photo for the newspapers, with these guys playing as the “Indians” and the Drysdales are supposed to be the pilgrims. Because white people are stupid, she thinks these guys are real Native Americans or something. She actually starts talking to them with “Me whiteface daughter of pilgrim. Me heap grateful to you.” and I guess it’s only a few minutes before guys with black shoe polish on his face shows up and demands some watey-mellon before inquiring where all the white women at. We’ve now had every other stereotype. The “Indians” however, are fake (hence the quotes) and are just guys who tell her she’s a dork and that they come from central casting instead of being actual Native Americans. They refuse to play along with her stupid “Me paleface squaw, me get you drink” routine. They keep trying to convince her that they’re not even Indians, but she won’t even listen. I guess that if someone came up to her dressed like Hamlet she’d bow and speak in pidgin iambic pentameter at him. Just because they show up in costume she behaves like they MUST be “Indians” who talk in that “Ugh” way they do in bad movies. Is Mrs. Drysdale supposed to be completely stupid? Maybe everyone is just supposed to be massively stupid, instead of just the Clampetts. Is it money? Does having money make you dumb? Do you get more retarded as your money increases? That’s the only explanation I can come up with.

Yeah, they can’t believe it either.

None of the family wants to kill the turkey for Granny. Strangely, instead of killing it herself, she demands everyone else do it for her. I don’t know if it’s because she’s weak, or just smart enough to know that she’d cut a finger off if she tried to use a knife, being too stupid to hold it right. Jed and Jethro take the turkey away, and Elly goes next door to pick of nuts or something. She finds the “Indians” tussling with Mr. Drysdale, because he was trying to run off and they wouldn’t get paid if he did. So, they grab him while Mrs. Drysdale goes to check on something, just long enough for Elly to see them and misunderstand. See, you must remember these are closed head injury sufferers. So they see someone dressed as an “Indian” and they assume it’s a real Native American. Even in the suburbs of Beverly Hills, if you see some one dressed in leather pants, they must be an “Injun” that “Needs killin” or something. They would also imagine if they saw someone dressed as Robin Hood that either time travel had been invented or that Beverly Hills is the new Sherwood Forest.

Jed meets someone of a similar intellect.

So Elly decides “Them injuns is attacking” and granny declares “The injuns always attack when the men folk is gone” and they run off. Because, you know, that happens all the time in Beverly Hills. Hell, it never happens in the Ozarks, it never happens ANYWHERE! How fucking stupid are these fucking people? How do they avoid swallowing their tongues when lost in thought? The “Indians” decide to get the turkey, which was meant to be a prop for a photo, and the girls attack! Then the racist comments about Indians increases, claims they steal hair compound on everything else. They even claim “they tried to scalp us, but we jumped ‘em first!” when all the guys did was walk across the lawn. They then threaten the men with shotguns and Jethro asks if he can play “Squeal like a pig” with them. Then there is a Jewish gag, which almost no one would get now.

Hey there! You’re still alive, and we’d like to have sex with you.

Then it all works out in the end, they have gefilte fish that one of the actors (one of the guy who played the “Indians” you remember) brought from home. Everyone sits at the same table, even though Granny tired to kill these guys five minutes ago. I guess if you have money, attempted murder is easily forgiven. Syd claims this is a paragon of cultural sensitivity. I’m waiting for a joke about rape being awesome and lynching being the best way to deal with people darker than an Italian. No wonder so many of our older relatives are as casual about their racism as I am the word “motherfucker” if this is the kind of crap they watched. This is just about the worst thing I’ve seen in some time. There were so many flat jokes, so many points where I was shouting “Where is the joke?” and so many points where is was clear the joke was racism that I kind of feel like setting fire to everyone who ever laughed at this show.

Are you fucking kidding me? This is supposed to be a joke?

Official Score:
-80 Degrees on the Graffiti Bridge Scale.

If you wish to view this reprehensible garbage though, allow me to furnish you with an embedded video!

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