10 Classics I Don’t Love

Posted: May 31, 2010 in Article, Top Lists
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Let’s get something perfectly clear before we begin, I am a lover of the classics. I regularly get accused of never watching, or at least never enjoying, anything new. I’ve had people ask if I ever watch anything that’s in color. So, no actually, I’m not some young dick head who hates anything that doesn’t have an explosion every ten seconds. I like most your recognized classics, but some I just do not enjoy. I’ve made a list so that I can share it with you, which is probably a dumb thing to do because it’ll just cause comments from people demanding to know why I don’t offer hand jobs and Chips Ahoy Cookies to their favorite movie. I don’t care though! One of the most important parts of establishing a reader/critic relationship is letting the reader know what movies the critic likes and doesn’t like. Mind you, there is nothing actually wrong with most of these movies, I just don’t like them much. If anyone actually reads this list, I’m likely to get complaints about it.

10. To Kill a Mockingbird
You ever get the feeling a movie just wasn’t for you? You can easily understand who it was for, but it wasn’t for you? I have never liked To Kill a Mocking Bird. I understand it’s a good book, I’ve read it, and this is a good movie. It’s well made, and as far as I remember it holds to the book quite well, but I never found myself liking it. Probably because it’s over sentimentalized crap. Yeah, I said it! Which of you thinks you’re hard enough to take me on this? Yeah. That’s what I thought.

9. Wizard of Oz
I own a copy for historical significance, but I don’t really like it. They cut the book to pieces and actually, this is based on a stage play instead of the book. It’s just too damn twee. Seriously, let’s face it. It’s twee and they don’t even resolve the problem that they set up at the beginning of the movie. Seriously! Miss Gulch is still going to want to whack Toto, nothing has changed! Just because Dorothy viciously murdered her analogue in the dream, it doesn’t mean the real world version isn’t still around. There are at least interesting things in it though, and I can watch it without spitting venom at the screen for the most part. Hence its low spot on this list.

Citizen Kane
8. Citizen Kane
I actually got done watching this and said “That’s it? What was all the fuss about?” Sorry, it didn’t grip or interest me. I keep thinking I should watch it again sometime, but I doubt it’ll have any more resonance for me than it did the first three times. Even if I find the visuals interesting, the story itself isn’t that gripping and the symbolism smacks you over the head, which offends me. In the end, I just didn’t like it.

Sound of Music
7. Sound of Music
Let’s make this one short. Musicals suck. Long musicals suck even more. I have never made it all the way through this thing. I have tried, but I never got there. I can present no objective reason for me not to like the movie because I’ve never been able to watch it the whole way through.

6. Casablanca
I don’t care. No, really, I don’t care. I know, I know. No, really, I know… but I don’t care. I know what you’re going to say. I know what you’re arguments are, and some of them might even be valid, but I don’t care. I have never been able to embrace Casablanca because every time I try to watch it I keep finding myself not caring about the people in the movie. I’ve seen it a couple of times now, and I can hardly remember anything from it because I just didn’t care.

5. The Exorcist
Another movie where I got to the end and asked “And?” I wasn’t scared by this, I was barely interested. I eventually had to talk to my father and ask him if there was some big horror thing I missed there. Was there something extra freaky going on when it came out or something? He said no, and that he’d never been that impressed either. It’s not particularly scary, and I was bored during it. Call me jaded if you like, but this movie sucked.

King Kong
4. King Kong
I know I should be into this, but I’m just not. This one bugs me more than a lot of the others just because I know it should register on my cool meter, but the needle doesn’t move when we’re near it. Whatever it is about this movie, I just don’t dig it. I can never identify what it is about the movie that makes me yawn when it’s on, but I do, unfailingly, every time. Still, it is better than Peter Jackson’s version.

Nightmare Christmas
3. The Nightmare Before Christmas
Another one where I keep thinking I should like it more than I do. Partly, it’s a musical and I hate musicals. Partly, it’s that I’m not interested in watching a depressive be depressed. Partly it’s because this was where I started noticing that Tim Burton really only has one or two ideas that he beats with a typewriter until they scream. I’d noticed his tropes before this, but this was where it dawned on me that there wasn’t anything else to him besides these very few things.

Wonderful Life
2. It’s a Wonderful Life
Twee, irritating, stupid, and the main character is a chump. This nostalgic look back at the good old days that never existed just pisses me off. The fact that George Bailey is made as a Christ like figure that never complains about anything even when every single person in the entire movie takes advantage of him annoys me to no end. The only human emotion he ever shows is self-pity and that only when he’s about to jump off a bridge because the plot says he should. I can’t even stand Clarence, no matter how I try. He’s as annoying as anyone else is in this sacchariny sweet dreck fill waste of time. I really, really hate this movie.

Gone with the Wind
1. Gone with the Wind
Ugh. Let’s… let’s not even go there, okay? The first time I ever tried watching it, I didn’t get past the very first line in the movie. With the very first “Fiddle Dee Dee” I grabbed the remote, popped the disc out and didn’t try again for months. When I did try again, I wished I hadn’t. I have rarely desired to see a character set on fire as much as I wanted to watch Scarlet O’Hara burn. I really, genuinely, hated everyone in this film. I can’t remember a single person I liked in the entire movie. As a result, I hated the movie. I mean, I really hated it. I tried to watch it recently, and now we can’t go into that room because the bile and venom I spray are evidently some kind of super toxin. We can have the room back when the men in the space suits are done scrapping it off the walls.

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