Movie Review: Fantasy Mission Force (Pain Box)

Posted: January 28, 2010 in Movie Review, Pain Box, Reviews
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Fantasy Mission Force (1982 Dir. Chu Yin-Ping)

One dramatic shot

I don’t like to use profanity here however there is going to be a little bit here. A two-word description of this movie is “Aggressively Batshit” however “Good” isn’t one of the words. It’s a terrible film, but I think it was supposed to be terrible. The only reason I own this movie is because people rarely believe me that this movie A) Exists as I described it and B) that it can be as bad as I describe it to be. Friends, don’t allow curiosity to cause you to go see this. Unless you’re already insane, or have a lot of booze on hand, you won’t survive watching this with your mind intact. This movie is really messed up. I think it was meant as high camp, either that or it was very badly translated.

We’re only 5 minutes in and he’s embarrassed.

That is, when it is translated at all. My copy, and every copy I’ve ever seen, is weirdly cut and re-edited as well as being done with a terrible dub track. The credit sequence is a musical number that is still in Chinese, but since there are NO subtitles or even closed captioning I have no idea what this song is about. They just decided in a dubbed movie not to dub the songs. I suspect it might be about how neat it is to eat a lot and throw money in the air, since that’s what’s going on. Then the singer buys a gun from a black man in a tuxedo with a red bandana around his head. That’s 4 minutes in and logic has already thrown up the white flag. Having seen the movie before I knew that by the end of the movie, logic would be curled up in a little ball suffering from PTSD because things only get worse from there.

No funny caption I put here could possibly come close to the insanity of this image.

There is no point to trying to explain the movie’s plot, because you frankly wouldn’t believe me if I told you. I mean I’ve tried to explain about how it takes place at the end of World War Two and how the Japanese have kidnapped Abe Lincoln and now they’re holding him and a few other guys in Luxembourg with an eye to taking them back to Japan and it’s up to Jimmy Wang Yu to gather a group to go rescue them… or something. That’s really the plot kids. Actually, it doesn’t make as much sense as all that.

Don’t taze me bro!

Jackie Chan is billed as the star, but he’s not really in it all that much. He’s got a few scenes here and there, but he’s actually hardly there at all. He made the movie as a favor to Jimmy Wang Yu who helped him out of a jam once. Jackie was being threatened by a gangster and Jimmy talked them out of hurting Jackie. True story. There is some comedy, but you’ve really got to take this movie on grounds of insanity. The only other person I know who has watched this all the way through admitted to being completely drunk at the time.

Red thigh high hooker boots always lend an air of elegance!

There are a lot of pastiches in the movie, a lot of things that don’t seem to fit beyond just filling time. There is a sort of drinking game like what was in Raiders of the Lost Ark that turns into a bar fight for example. The there is the bazooka packing babe with the western sound track and of course the Asian/Scottish Highlanders marching around in kilts in South East Asia. I’m not just throwing things around. They appear one scene after the other like that. Sweet buttered waffles this movie is messed up. We are dealing with absolute proof that drugs don’t make you a good or clever film maker.

A bazooka AND a horse. I did warn you about this movie.

The movie just gets more and more insane as it goes along. I only know what it’s supposed to be about at this point because I read the wikipedia article. They explain a little, but I missed most of it while being completely flabbergasted. I don’t even know why people were getting shot in the butt with a crossbow and I was trying to pay attention. By the time the Amazon headhunters show up, I was so lost I was about to just give up and go mad.

The Chinese Highland Regiment

This movie is so determined in its desire not to make any kind of sense what so ever. It didn’t even phase me when they decided to spend the night in the haunted house. Clearly, my sanity had a flavor, because this movie nommed the hell out of it. I didn’t even have a problem when people started gambling with the zombies and stuff. Of course the movie ends with what are supposed to be Japanese Nazis driving 70s muscle cars (with spray painted swastikas and everything) all scored to what sounds like a suffer song, so the whole haunted house thing isn’t the nuttiest thing in this movie. The Belt that becomes a sword it pretty bad too actually.

There is a point where satire fails. That point is an Amazon queen with 80s hair complete with sweatband

The quality of this DVD is about what you’d expect for a really bad VHS tape. This is a really cheaply made product, even with the low price they probably make more profit than Warner Bros gets for a sale of The Departed DVD.

I have no reaction for this that would help in any way.

I can only suggest this for those of you who take really hard drugs and want something to watch while on the nod. That’s not an endorsement of drug taking behavior, but if you’re going to do it anyway you might as well watch this. Maybe you’ll have such a negative reaction that you’ll just never try drugs again and clean your life up or something. I don’t know, I would use this movie as a punishment for smart people I think. It would be mildly amusing to watch them twitch through it for a while until my humanity kicked in and I switched it off.

Don’t be fooled, it’s a lousy action scene.

Official Score:
-3 Degrees on the Graffiti Bridge Scale.

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