Der Schuh des Manitu (2001/ Constantin Film/ Dir. Michael Herbig

Native Americans are a dicey subject in fiction, mainly because of the stereotyping. There is also the problem that the term Native Americans can rub a cheese grater over the nerves of their souls. But really, it’s the stereotype that bothers most of us, I think. I mean, think about it a moment. I said Native American, and what did you think of? Buck skin wearing, noble savages with long straight black hair and a rudimentary grasp of language at best? Well, shame on you! They also talk about the Great Spirit at the drop of a hat and want to sing you the song of their people. Them and the Orientals get that weird, condescending attribute of being strangely wise, or mystical while also insulting them with the old ‘but of course they’re like children’ refrain as well. I’m not going to go into a lengthy discussion on it, but I sort of am because I’m talking about a movie that is set in the old west and involves made up Apaches. But it’s made by Germans, so they have like no connection to the actual history of the Native Americans and the movie is actually pretty funny since its jokes rarely ever touch on the known stereotypes beyond basic visuals and the Apache characters are the heroes. The best way I can describe it is that it’s like watching a hilarious movie about slave conditions in the Antebellum South made by Italians in blackface. You know that there is something terribly wrong with what’s being done, but the people who are doing it can’t begin to understand, and they’re being genuinely funny anyway. Look, maybe its better if I explain from the beginning…

Yup! Nothing wrong here.

Okay, there is a German writer called Karl May and he wrote a series of books about Winnetou, who was the chief of the Mescalero tribe of the Apache people. Now these books were very popular, so popular that even the Nazis couldn’t actually ban them and as a result that’s the guy who gets name dropped during that one scene in Inglourious Basterds when the soldiers are playing that guessing game in the bar. Still with me? You need to be, because we need to go a little further. The Winnetou books remained popular in Germany and were made into movies and TV shows. I have no idea how popular they still are over there, but they’re well known enough that Germans got this movie, which is a parody not only of Karl May, but of Westerns in general and other things as well. I suppose here is a pretty good spot to mention that these started as sketches on a TV show and the audience asked for this movie, which is why they made it. Now, I’m watching the Extra Large version which is slightly different than the theatrical release and… this doesn’t matter. Let’s get started.

Who do we want to see pegged?

So the heroes of this movie are actually Abahachi, and his best friend Ranger. Ranger is a stand in for Old Shatterhand and Abahachi is… I think he’s supposed to be Winnetou, but as his twin brother is named Winnetouch, it’s hard to know for sure. Winnetouch is stereotypically gay by the way, which is one of those Really? In this day and age? jokes that sort of throws the movie off until you start to get the idea that actually he’s sort of poking fun at the idea of that stereotype while conforming to it. It can be hard to tell since several of the jokes have been retooled for English speaking audiences and as such the nuances get easily lost. Even if I spoke German, I don’t live in Germany and certain jokes are local references. So, much gets lost in translation and it gives you one of those “Should I be laughing?” feelings because while this guy is conforming to stereotypes (bad) he’s also an extremely sympathetic and useful character (good) but he also wears pink buck skin (very bad). The thing is, most of the jokes that survive to the English Language track that I’m using are more about having the juxtaposition of anachronisms. I mean, isn’t it silly to have an Indian Chief give an Elvis Style open air concert? Yes, yes it is. If you watch this, just beware that Herbig doesn’t sing any of his songs in English and as usual the songs aren’t translated. Everyone else sings their songs in English, but not Herbig, so those songs he sings are only in German. Oh, did I forget to mention this is a musical? Here, watch Grauer Star’s Tomahawk Song, which is a pretty good indicator about how you’ll likely feel about this movie. It comes in the first five minutes and if this joke hasn’t grabbed you then the movie very well might not be your cup of tea.

Nope, nothing wrong with this either. How could anyone have a problem with… oh, right, yeah. I see it now.

Now, the character of Grauer Star (called Gall Stone in the English track) is sort of important. It’s GS who teaches Abahachi about how it’s important to share among all his people and be a decent person, making it more because he was taught by a wise old man rather than because of innate wisdom. Of course then GS dies because he invented the stage dive before is people were ready for it, but he’s mentioned from time to time as being the leading force for Abahachi’s personality. Not that this is important because really, this movie is just another adventure for Abahachi and Ranger. In fact, it’s so much another adventure that there are scenes where Ranger complains loudly and at length that this sort of thing seems to happen to them every other day. They kind of go against the wise old injun thing and go more for showing everyone as the kind of flawed human beings we have in comedies of these kinds. Except the villain, he’s awesome. He’s not flawed, he eats ice cream and hands out apples.

Might as well show you our heroes.

The plot, as it is, isn’t terribly important really. It has a story, a decent story, one that would work as a straightforward story, rather than a parody. A bad guy named Santa Maria (we’ll get to him later) decides to rip off Abahachi and Ranger, killing the son of the chief of the Shoshone people (because these stories are rife with chiefs) and getting our heroes blamed for it. In order to make things better, they decide to go find a treasure map that Abahachi divided among his friends, years before. To that end they go find Abahachi’s gay brother Winnetouch, who freaks Ranger right the hell out. It’s sort of funny, watching Ranger’s reaction because the only thing more stereotypical than Winnetouch’s sissiness is Ranger’s terrified reaction to it. He completely freezes up and sort of sits unmoving like a rabbit caught in a trap. That’s where the joke starts to become okay, because everyone is being made fun of to some degree, it spreads the silliness.

One visual joke, just to show you the mentality we’re dealing with.

Now let’s talk about the villain for a moment. Santa Maria is supposed to be a good old fashioned bad guy, but he isn’t. He’s a bad guy, don’t get me wrong, but he keeps having moments that allow him to steal the show. A perfect example comes when he demands the crew saddle up and ride. One guy announces they’re not going because they’re exhausted. Santa turns slowly and demands to know who spoke. When the rest of the crew tells him it was John, he asks John if he’s tired, been having trouble sleeping? John says that he is tired, that he has had trouble sleeping. Now, a bad guy is supposed to shoot the dissenter to show he don’t take no shit. Instead Santa smiles broadly and sends John to bed, telling everyone else to saddle up, but not before telling John good night. It’s a brilliant little moment that left me howling with laughter because of the unexpected nature of the delivery. Sky du Mont is beyond brilliant in this roll, he utterly and completely owns every scene he’s in.

Also, he loves ice cream.

Some bits of the movie don’t go over so well. The Greek character Dmitri doesn’t work so well, although his first scene does actually include a cameo by Karl May himself. Okay, it’s a reasonable facsimile, and he’s played up as a ridiculous drunk. I’m probably missing something, but I just don’t find the character of Dmitri particularly funny. However, the character of Gerti (called Ursula in the original German) is funny, so she makes up for it. She serves the dual purpose of person who knows that the hell is going on and love interest for Ranger. The love story is sort of perfunctory, but it works well enough for a screw ball semi-musical. Besides, they sort of fall in love before anything can actually happen and then they’re caught by the bad guys. Once everyone is caught the bad guys get the map, and leave our heroes in the ranch. Santa asks them if they have any last requests and Winnetouch asks for the song from the Superperforator Commercial. And Santa sings it, which is probably the single biggest laugh in the whole movie.

Damn Ikea instructions.

After that, it’s all find the gold and defeat the bad guy. They throw in some extremely broad slapstick just to make sure that every kind of comedy has been addressed. Then they throw in bromance and long term homoerotic relationship arguments because they kind of had to go there. We also have the standard think the guy is dead but not really scene. Another song is slipped in, which is completely and utterly ridiculous, but not as funny as the others. However, the movie works itself towards a conclusion and it’s all been pretty funny. Looking at it now, it doesn’t hold up as well from the first time I saw it, where it totally surprised me and made me laugh out loud. No, it’s not perfectly funny, not flawlessly funny, but it is still pretty funny. I could easily get why some people might not like it, since it relies pretty heavily on stereotypes that should have died out decades ago and for the most part did. Some of the slapstick gets a little too slap-sticky at times. However, it avoids some of the more annoying parts of dealing with natives. There is no Secret Wisdom of the Apaches, no Spirit Guides, none of that “Let me sing you the song of my people” crap. That being said, everyone wears buckskin, the hero’s best friend is a honkey, it seems to be set in a theme park ride version of the Indian Territories circa 1953, and it has an Indiana Jones style trap and mine ride scene. Not a great movie, but it has its moments and that should count for something.

Comes a point, you don’t even ask questions anymore.

Ninja Bugeicho Momochi Sandayu (1980 Toei Company, Dir. Norifumi Suzuki)

You know, sometimes you can’t help but think that you’re watching porn even when you aren’t. That’s how I choose to start this review, because it’s the impression that at the forefront of my mind. It’s the music mostly, and the modern outfits. I mean it’s a movie that takes place in the 15th century and includes ninjas in clothes that look strikingly like modern camo. The music is so absurd that it hurts the movie, which is pretty absurd on its own. The music is early 80s rock-ish sort of J-Pop, and it make you fee like you’re watching a porn. I’m hardly in a position to bitch about rock music in a classic setting. I normally like that sort of thing. It worked in Ladyhawk and it worked in Legend so some degree. It can work, but it doesn’t work here. That’s hardly the movie’s only problem, I seem to remember lots of other problems, but the music always sticks in my head and I’m getting the intro written before we evens start the movie proper because I’m going to review this one in a way I haven’t reviewed in a while. Yeah, this movie is so screwy I’ve got to break down the plot and explain certain scenes in detail. We haven’t done this in a while, so put on your favorite Technicolor gi and let’s get ready to rumble!

Aren’t they neat? I had them installed on Tuesday.

The English title makes no sense, I just want to say that now. Right away, this thing starts funky with a guy telling his boss that he’s “created” two ninjas himself. He uses the word created, which could be a translation error but I don’t think so. The rest of this translation seems really good and not at all awkward, so I’m guessing that he did it in a lab or something. One has no ears, the other has no tongue and I’m guessing they had to split Abbey Normal’s brain. I guess they’re supposed to be the super baddies for this movie, but I don’t remember. Also… well… okay listen. I have a blind spot for Japanese names and they tend to slide right off my mind. It doesn’t help that we’re told who people are by subtitles that are themselves subtitled because I can read kanji like I can play the piccolo. So what I’m saying is that I won’t be using the character’s names because I can’t remember any of them. This isn’t like other times, when I refused, I simply cannot hold onto anyone’s names when I watch these. So I’ll call the ninja master Frankenstein.

Might as well JUMP!

So the conversation being Frankenstein and his boss ends and we cut to… what the hell is this? Samurai with windsocks on their backs? This doesn’t even begin to make sense. They’re only on screen for a second, while some voice over tries to give some historical context to the story that I feel will go the wayside once the plot kicks in. Actually, it doesn’t last that long, because insanity kicks in first. I’d like to describe it, but you’d think I was lying if I told you spears stick through the walls, but the guy jumps and stands on the spears until he’s on the ceiling and Frankenstein and his ninja monsters attack and kill him, BUT THAT JUST HAPPENED! By the way, did I mention we’re only four minutes into this thing? In four minutes we went from historical drama to batshit. Now here’s the funny bit, its only going to get worse from here.

Are they at the airport?

Okay, let’s talk about the plot really quick. There are a pair of daggers that everyone is going to be looking for. On the hilt of each dagger is half of a map to a gold mine, or a buried treasure or a stash of twinkies or whatever. It’s not really important, just that everyone wants the daggers. So to make a long story short (too late) that historical guy who got killed? Yeah they kill his whole clan except the son and a couple vassals. While the people are massacred, the porn music gets going in earnest and Syd came in to ask why IU was watching a Japanese snuff film. Sadly this required me to explain exactly what I was watching, which didn’t help even a little bit. Thing is, none of the historical BS matters because the movie has almost nothing to do with that.

For Japan, that’s pretty buff.

See, the son got away right? And he had one of the daggers, yeah? Okay, well 15 years later he comes back looking for vengeance or something. Thing is, Hong Kong Kung-Fu movies were VERY popular at the time, so he’s been hiding out in china, which necessitates him wearing Chinese clothes and using Chinese Kung-Fu because this flick is pandering on almost every level. The scenes of him doing kung-fu prove that only a minimal amount of research into what Chinese kung-fu looks like was done. Don’t get me wrong, the fights look pretty good, but it looks like someone who knows karate was told to try and approximate what Jackie Chan does. Also, the porn music is back, which doesn’t help anyone.

This isn’t the dancing part, he’ll dance later.

After running from the soldiers he just beat up, the son runs into his old friends who have created a resistance movement against Frankenstein and his masters. Here’s the interesting thing though, if not for the music and the kung-fu, this would be a pretty basic and probably fairly good historical piece. It wants to be, you can tell. It keeps introducing people with subtitles, giving them some historical context. The script was probably decent when it landed on the producer’s desk, but then he and the director just poured crazy sauce all over it and pages stuck together and the writing smeared and we go this… thing. The historical context is wasted, because we never really touch it in any significant way, and it only serves as a backdrop for the dagger plot. However, if not for the direction they took we’d never have Camo Ninja.

CAMO NINJA!

Camo ninja is the leader of a clan of Ninjas that are old friends of The Son’s slaughtered clan. He is also awesome. In the early days of retroflix, he was the unofficial mascot of the blog. Watching Camo Ninja turn up and give that strange, laugh, seemingly without context, always cheers me up. He’s a magical bit of insanity that lifts the movie above the level it sinks itself to. It’s still stupid, and the tone and inclusion of kung-fu elements greatly damage the revenge story the script wants to tell. This is uneven, dull in parts, insane in other parts, but hey, at least we get Camo Ninja, right? It’s actually really interesting to watch this movie again because my memory was balls to the wall insanity. The reality of the movie is a decent plot progression, ruined by moments of pure nuttiness, that are themselves ruined by long stretches of… like… story and stuff.

Nothing interesting happens here.

Anyway, back to the story. The Son and his band are ambushed by Frankenstein’s crew. Now remember, Frankenstein has the official backing o the shogun, or at least the local daimyo, so he has samurai in matching outfits and ninjas in gray pajamas. The Son only has Camo Ninja, a small band of friends and a porn soundtrack that kicks in whenever his side is winning. The action sequence of the ambush is pretty good, or would be if sound effects and music weren’t so damn goofy. After a little while a lot of the fighting of this scene turns into stuff we’ve already seen. Sadly, we only saw it a couple of minutes ago, the action here is a bit repetitive.

Oh look! A subplot that doesn’t go anywhere.

While Camo Ninja and company fight the crew, The Son fights Frankenstein and Abbey & Normal. His fight would be good if anyone told them that Kung-Fu involves more than rolling on the ground to evade your enemy’s strikes. This fight becomes a big cock tease anyway as the combatants are constantly interrupted by other fighters who are killed or run off having done their flow breaking job. This leaves the main fighters saying “Right, um, where were we?” right before another interruption comes in. The upshot is that Frankenstein captures The Son and a ridiculous torture scene ensues in which you nevedr quite get the idea he’s being beaten or harmed. This is one of those movies that should have gone further in one direction or another. If we’re making a goofy ninja flick, make it really goofy and stop with the historical context stuff. If a historical movie, make it actually historical and cut the porn soundtrack. You can still have the basic story, you can even have The Son fight a room full of girls armed with spears as he effects his escape, but go one way or the other. Having a tale in which people either are or are presented as historical figures when the hero survives a 90 foot drop, on his back, into a moat is foolish.

Gonna tickle you!

So anyway, The Son finds out his friends are going to be boiled in oil and decides to go save them. Now I know what you want to know, does he save them sensible or silly? Silly, very silly and of course not before two pointless suicides happen. Sadly, another flow breaking moment comes and the silly of the suicides is undercut by something that was probably in the script. Frankenstein and crew yell at the peasants after the two deaths and intimidates them for a while before The Son shows up. And boy, does he show up. He comes up, out of the river, like a shot from a Vietnam movie, complete with dagger held in his teeth, and charges the shore where the execution is supposed to take place. The thing is, it’s so clear that there is in no way enough water in that part of the river to conceal him. He’s maybe ankle deep as he runs forth from the spot he was laying down in. As he starts killing baddies, explosions just start bursting on the beach. I had to go back and watch again to discover that while I blinked or shook my head at the porn music, there was a shot of a guy throwing something that I think we’re supposed to believe was a grenade.

No really, it’s just six inches of water. Ninjas can hide in anything.

And then Camo Ninja explodes from the ground and saves The Son again. Why he came up from the ground? I have no idea, he just does. It doesn’t matter because a minute or two later he’s shot by rifle men who then turn their guns into the watching crowd to prove how evil they are, causing a full fledged riot. The thing is, people just keep showing up to help in the fight, all of the fights so far have been like this. Guys on horses just show up to help the rioters get at the samurai, Camo Ninja just shows up to help The Son fight, Jet Jaguar can surely be only a few moments away from turning up as well. During the riot, one of the guys The Son came to save gets killed anyway, and this leads to the apex of silliness. I’m not even going to try and describe the scene that happens at the funeral pyre, I’m just going to embed a video and hope it doesn’t vanish before you read this…

That’s supposed to be a funeral pyre he’s dancing in front of, he’s supposed to be in emotional torment. Those are the names of his friends written on those planks of wood. This should be the moment where we know he’s about damn ready to kick ass and chew bubble gum. Instead it’s just Hiroyuki Sanada being impressive with his movements and silly with his tone. And then Japanese Moses shows up and gives him the standard “You can do it Sailor Moon” speech before a training montage starts. Oh, but this isn’t a proper training montage, gone are songs like No Easy Way Out, and instead is something that sounds like a love song. One of The Son’s friends falls, presumably to his death, but Japanese Moses won’t let them save him or go find his body because… leadership? We either never see him again, or his hair grows really long when he returns because it looks to me like some other guy has shown up to fill the roster. If I could remember the names better, I might know who is who.

I wasn’t joking about the Japanese Moses thing.

The Son gets the second dagger and told how the daggers lead to the big rock candy mountain that everyone wants, and he promptly lets the daggers get stolen by some girl they have hanging around with them. In a turn of events that makes my headache, Hattori Hanzo told her to steal the daggers. The girl doesn’t want to be pulled between to allegiances and asks to be killed. Japanese Moses says he’ll kill her, only The Son argues, because heroes are like that in these movies. They’re so used to disagreeing that they will fight their buddies if given no one else to fight with. As a result, The Son kills Japanese Moses and gets a “Well done lad” for his efforts. Thenc a tree explodes into flames and falls over. This movie is weird.

Tree. Explodes.

So the girl runs off, gets information about when and where The Son and his vanishingly small crew and get their own back. The Chinese girl The Son met in China comes to help him, and we’re more or less in for a long action sequence that begins with the worst archers on earth not being able to hit a guy who is spinning around on a rope. Yeah, he’s hanging on a rope, and spins around, and they fire arrows, and they can’t hit him. A man who’s rotating in place is one thousand times harder to hit than a man who is standing still. Well known fact, it was on Myth Busters and everything. There are points in the spinning that I’m not even sure it’s still a person up there, and not some kind of mannequin or doll or something.

Just… what the hell?

The ensuing fifteen minutes of action are okay, but not nearly as effective as they could have been. Again, mixing the Chinese style of kung-fu movies and the Japanese style of samurai movies would have been a hard task on the best of days, and this was nobody’s best day. The two styles don’t really meld well and they never actually gel here. I’m through bitching about the porn music, but it doesn’t help. The constant influx of fresh help also doesn’t help. After trying to steal the daggers, Hattori Hanzo shows up with a platoon of black pajama’d ninjas to help The Son and company. But The Son and friends looked like they were winning, there is no need of a cavalry, they were doing fine. Okay, a couple of the friends and the Chinese cutie got killed, but that just went to show that this was serious. The sudden extra help requires The Son and Frankenstein to ride of to another shooting location in order to finish the fight alone. Okay, they take Abbey and Normal with them, but that’s to be expected. Besides, The son dispatches them with one stroke anyway.

Hey guys, does this look awesome, or just silly?

So The Son kills Frankenstein and instead of using the two daggers to fun and army, or buy a summer home or even secure a 401k, he throws them into the ocean because… nobility? I don’t really know. There was a guy who was all, “Gimme the knives” and he was like “No! Ima throw ‘em in the ocean” and the guy’s like “Oh, well, okay then.” And that makes no sense. I guess since he’s seen the map, he remembers the place where Curly’s Gold is kept and can find it later when he wants it. And then the movie just sort of ends. Well, no it exactly just ends. He throws the daggers and he and the last girl left in the movie ride off on a horse at the sea shore and everything will be alright now I guess. I don’t know, I think this is just a screwy movie.

Now THAT is badass.

This isn’t a terrible movie, and I can see someone really liking it, but for me it falls short of the mark. The drama is undercut by the crazy and the crazy is put off by the long stretches of drama. Still, this isn’t exactly bad, it’s just not as good as it wanted to be. You can get the dvd and see how you feel. You probably won’t hate it if you’re into this kind of thing, but just remember that it is indeed this kind of thing and that it’s a bit goofy. Let’s see how it scores, let me watch a certain Prince movie again as a comparison. Hmm, yes I’d say…

What? You thought I just came up with those numbers? No, that’s how it compares to Graffiti Bridge. I have to watch every time to make sure I’m comparing properly. That’s why it can sometimes take a long time to get a new review out, it’s not the writing that’s the problem it’s re-watching that movie to recalibrate the scale. I’ve done 137 reviews (including this one) and scored each of those movies against Graffiti Bridge. And I’ve watched it more times than that, so I’ve seen Graffiti Bridge a lot and each time it weighs down my soul a little more. Le’t have one more shot of Camo Ninja.

Ah, that’s the stuff.

“Manos” The Hands of Fate (1966/ Dir. Harold P. Warren) MST3K Episode 24, Season 4, January 30, 1993

When I do reviews of movies that were on MST3K, I get a copy of the movie on its own. No bots, no mads, not a single luxury. Now, I do that for a couple of reasons, the first of which is that I want to watch the movie on its own dubious merits. Once you watch the movie with the bots, you’re watching an episode of the TV show. Second, if you watch a TV broadcast, things may have to be cut for TV standards. Movies can be cut for both time and content, meaning that you might not get the whole movie on the show. Even if you have the whole movie, you’re still breaking up the flow for the commercial breaks and host segments. So I don’t review the episodes, I review the movie clean, or as clean as the DVDs I get will allow. I mention all of this because this movie is down right infamous, there are people who can’t even watch the MST3K episode, so this is heroic in the eyes of some.

I am TORGO! Bow to my Torgoy will!

It’s sort of interesting that the husband keeps insisting they stay at the… room? What the hell is this place supposed to be? It looks like a one room hovel from the outside, and from the inside as well come to that. Torgo wants them to leave, the wife wants them to leave, the little girl probably wants to leave, hell even the dog looks uncomfortable being there. And the husband keeps treating the place like it’s a hotel and Torgo is some kind of concierge. When they want to leave, Torgo wants them to stay, and then they can’t leave because the car doesn’t work. Almost nothing in the movie makes any sense though, so I’m not sure why I’m bothering to complain about that one thing. I mean, the movie isn’t good, there isn’t anything good about this movie, why try to complain? This isn’t even good to watch as a joke, its only value is to riffers and those who are curious as to what the original looked like.

She’s sort of cute really.

There isn’t much point in trying to parse out the plot, because even having seen the movie I can barely explain it. Even trying makes me look like an idiot, watch: Some people get lost in the desert, and then they meet Torgo and then the dog is killed, and then they meet The Master and his wives, and then chaos ensues and the husband replaces Torgo and his wife and daughter become wives of Manos… or is it just The Master? I’ve never quite worked out if they’re the same person. Again though, so much of this fails to make any kind of sense that I’m not sure why I’m complaining. It’s not mystery that this is an amateurish production, and that it was mainly made as the result of a bet, so to complain about its production values would be beyond pointless. You can bitch about the production, but it just sort of make you look like a dork. If you go around complaining that a movie made for virtually nothing has a worse production than something made for half a billion dollars, you’re just performing and exercise in hipsterism.

Yeah, we didn’t need to see that.

You know what’s interesting? This movie really is only about an hour and five minutes long, at least my copy is, and yet the MST3K crew still had to cut out some of the more pointless bits to fit the program. Shots of the sky, bits of Torgo tying Mike up, things like that. I mean, the film is already really short and yet it’s still been cut. That’s how bad it is, they found reasons to cut it down further. Also, while I’m on no particular subject, this copy of the DVD I got is pretty bad. The transfer is incredibly dark and it looks like it comes from a beta tape which is sort of disappointing. I’m not saying I need a perfect DVD mastering, or a newly cleaned up print or anything, but it would be nice if I could see the movie a little bit better. It’s a pretty dark movie to begin with and this is just making the movie close to impossible to watch. Not that you’d want to watch it, not really, but if you’re going to watch it, you want to be able to watch it, you know?

There has GOT to be a Freddie Mercury joke in here somewhere.

Okay, let’s fill out this review. I got this on the new MST3K DVD which is a two disc set that has the episode and the original movie as well as a bunch of extras like a quasi documentary on Jam Handy by the guy who made The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra. The rest of the specials are more Manos centric, including a documentary about the making of the film. If you like the episode of the TV show, you could buy this DVD, but if you’re not too thrilled with it, there is no reason to get it. Really, this movie is only entertaining when watching it with Joel and The Bots, possibly with a group of friends. Either way, don’t watch it alone and certainly not sober on a Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. This really is a bad movie, made by people who have no idea how to make one. Let’s get to the score…

The man, the myth, the mustache.

Miller’s Crossing (1990/ 20th Century Fox/ Dir. Joel Coen)

I’m going to open with a controversial statement, I’ve never been a huge Coen Brothers fan. They’re okay, but they always strike me as trying just a little too hard to be quirky, rather than just letting it happen. Even when they’re good, you can see this going on. The deliberate attempt to be quirky works so less well than tings that are just plain quirky. Miller’s Crossing has many an example of them trying to hard, but for the most part it works. I think it tends to work because the movie isn’t supposed to be funny, and as such, the quirky characters can be horrifying, rather than comedic. I’m going to tell you now, I almost never laugh as a Coen Brothers comedy. However, let us look at what is good and not so hot in this movie, shall we?

I like a shot of booze sometimes.

The movie begins with a little nod to the Godfather, were a person describes his problem to the local crime boss, only the situation is different. In this, a lower crime boss is asking permission to kill a bookie, rather than avenge his daughter. He doesn’t get an answer he likes, and he leaves angry. After that scene, we get the opening credits, which contains a genuinely beautiful image, a hat blowing through the air down a leaf covered street. I’m not sure if it’s supposed to have any sort of symbolic meaning, I suspect it might though.

Look, I’m just saying if you put on that color, you’ll look like a slut.

This is one of the problems with not just the Coen Brothers, but all of these smaller movies of the 90s. They were supposed to be independent, artsy movies, and they often had to present the strange & artsy front in everything they did. The thing is a lot of these movies had official or semi-official studio support and backing. Semi-official came in the form of independent divisions like Sony Pictures Classics or Fox Searchlight, which were supposed to get independent movies for distribution, but would also fund certain projects. As a result, several indie filmmakers started trying to fit a certain mold. I suspect, although I can’t prove this, that said studios pressured those filmmakers into putting the trademark things into their movies so that they could get their quirky merit badge and their artsy merit badge, because if you have enough merit badges, then you’ll get the Indie Stamp of Approval. This is how the minds of people who live in Hollywood think, they actually believe there is a formula to outsider art and that people who enjoy outsider art will appreciate the fact that you stuck to the formula. I think that artifice is part of what killed the Indie Film market and left us with Michael Bay. Now, I’ll admit that The Coen’s are probably not part of the pack on this because A) They’re not actually indie, this movie was made by Fox Studios, just Fox and B) They came early enough that they’re probably part of the template for the formula rather than followers of it. However, they do have certain hallmarks. For example, they do have what I like to call the Kitano Shot. What is the Kitano Shot? Yeah, I know you didn’t ask, but let’s pretend you did. This is a Kitano Shot…

The Kitano Shot

A character stares directly into the camera silently, remaining unmoving. It’s practically a still shot, only using a moving camera. I doubt anyone else calls that a Kitano Shot, but I do because it’s in every Kitano Takeshi movie I’ve ever seen. It’s one of those little things that gives these movies their quirky, indie edge. Now, that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it certainly prevents the Coen’s movies from looking like every other damn thing on the marquee. I understand the importance of that, but the feeling that this is contrived rather than occurring naturally hurts the effect and I can’t get into them as much as I probably should. Still, this is a pretty good looking movie, it’s shot well and the visual assembly is done well.

Another still shot

Now, how about the story? Well, the story is pretty flawless so long as you like this kind of story. Let’s assume that Film Noir and it’s cooler big brother, Hardboiled Fiction is your kind of thing. If you’ve read a bit of Hammett, you’ll recognize some of the storylines as being reminiscent of those from his books. I would say that they’re not actually lifted from his books, but they are obviously inspired by them. I hate to give away parts of the story, because the joy in a story like this is watching it unfold from square one. I will say that it’s one of those stories where a small thing leads to some very big things indeed. I have no idea if people would call this a complicated story or not, I never seem to know what they’re talking about when people call a story too complicated. You get a large political story with lots of characters and storylines to keep track of, I’ll admit those can get complicated, but a single storyline with single main character?

This wasn’t in the script. Someone brought Al Finney a ham on whole wheat instead of the pastrami on rye he ordered.

The writing is strong, the characters are interesting, and the story is complete from start to finish. There are moments and phrases that come back over and over again, like people asking “What’s the rumpus?” every time they see each other. The repetition doesn’t hurt the movie, if anything, it helps it. There isn’t a bad actor in this movie, which shouldn’t be something remarkable or worth mentioning when discussing a professionally made product, but sadly it is. Now, I’ll go further and say that there isn’t even a middle ground performance in this movie. One of the things that people like about the Coen Brothers, from what I’ve been told, is that they get a first rate performance from every movie. I’m not sure I can support that statement, because there are some movies of theirs that leave me cold and performances that leave me bored. This isn’t one of them, but they do exist.

Please don’t make me be in a sequel to Brain Donors Brain Donors!

As a final note, this is one of those movies I’ve often talked about. The early 90s had a profusion of movies with guys in hats, which lead to guys wearing hats out in the real world. I still have a couple of fedoras kicking around the place, even wear them from time to time and the only machine gun I really like is the Thompson. The thirties and forties were sort of popular during an important part of my personal development, but much like Grunge, they faded from popular thought too quickly. I’m still interested in them though, and this movie is a nice thing to sit and watch on a rainy night after having done some dirty deeds out in the streets. You can get it for a song on DVD and Blu-ray. I’d say this is worth watching, although you have to allow for a bit more quirk that you would if you were watching a straight forward gangster movie. Of course, since the only other things that comes close that was made at about the same time was Mobsters, you maybe should stick with this.

Yes another still shot.

Wallace & Gromit – A Matter of Loaf and Death (2008/ Aardman Animations/ Dir. Nick Park)

I really hate doing this. I hate having to be the one to do this to a franchise I like so much, but there is nothing for it. I am not a hipster, I do not watch things “ironically” and not just because that’s not what ironic means. I don’t seek out things because I know they will be horrible, even though I will occasionally seek out things that I know won’t be very good. I don’t watch old Hercules movies so I can laugh at their lame production value or sneer at the lousy translations, but because I genuinely enjoy them. Even something like Hercules and the Captive Women, I decided to watch and review it with the hopes that it would be charming and fun. However, that movie wasn’t fun and this movie isn’t fun. That’s what I hate about this, I hate having to tell you that this is just really, really terrible.

It’s not funny, but it looks nice.

Let’s start with the basics of what’s wrong with this production. It’s The Wrong Trousers all over again, and that’s not the only total lack of originality on display. It’s hard to go into this without a full and frank teardown of everything that’s wrong with this short. I don’t want to do a full tear down, because I don’t want to spend that much time on a thirty minute short. Also, it’s just not pleasant to watch and I didn’t have fun watching it. The only reason I decided to watch it again recently, and thus write a review to warn you (the people) was because I actually thought that maybe I’d judged it too harshly the first time I saw it. I wasn’t in the best mood, and I thought that maybe my negative reaction had more to do with me than the movie. Well, no, it wasn’t my mood, this is just a bad, unpleasant short.

Ducks. Just… you know… ducks. Trying to find a bright side here folks. Crappy ducks is all I got.

Saying that it lacks originality is an attack so broad, it almost lacks definition, so let’s try and tighten the attack up a little. The movie’s main plot resembles The Wrong Trousers in that Wallace shoves Gromit aside for another companion and that leads to his near downfall and death. There are also shades of A Close Shave in that there is a deadly mystery that must be solved. The problem is that the mystery is solved less than halfway through and nearly the last ten minutes are just a big action scene. An action scene that, instead of using broad genre defining references, uses direct references to things that happened in specific movies. I’m a fan of broad, or oblique references, not so much direct references to specific scenes. Having a poodle using a truck that looks exactly like the loader from Aliens and fighting a big fat woman (because fat=comedy donchano) just doesn’t work.

Yeah, not even sure what the point is here.

Then there is the fact that the story and storytelling aren’t very much fun to watch. The villain is really more psycho than I want in a lighthearted cartoon, and the comedy is… well it’s either not funny or really rather unpleasant. Fat jokes, naked bums, pointless and meaningless murder… a woman who goes psycho because she’s fat, which I know is just another fat joke but it’s so offensive that I want to have another stab at it. It’s not 1952 and fat women being mean and insane as a stereotype doesn’t fly with me anymore. The sad fact is, nothing really flies with this cartoon. It all falls flat, even the Batman gag about how you can’t get rid of a bomb doesn’t work here. This was not a fun cartoon to watch, it wasn’t interesting, and it was nothing we hadn’t seen before.

Because animal cruelty is HILARIOUS!

Let me just say it straight out, don’t watch this movie! You will not enjoy yourself, you will not have fun, you will not like it, you will hate yourself for wasting your time. It’s rare that I’m this direct in a review, because I believe in opinions being personal and subjective things, but this is objectively crap. I did science to it and the results that came out of my mega reviewing computer (The Reviewatron 900) was that it was the crappiest cartoon we’ve ever reviewed on this site. Yup, according to the Reviewatron 900, this is even worse than ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, which made me angry, but not actually depressed. This cartoon depressed me, it made me want Wallace and Gromit to end forever and never to return. The early stuff was so good, and this is so bad, that I’m left wondering what the hell happened. Leave me with my memories of good W&G cartoons, and allow me to simply fade away.

It’s rare that a bomb will declare itself so prominently.

Nightmares & Dreamscapes – Battleground (2006/ TNT / Dir. Brian Henson)

Let’s be perfectly honest, this is not the best anthology series in the history of ever. I’m not going to do the run down of Stephen King’s career, or chronicle the ups and downs of his work here. Lately, I’ve found that no two people can really agree when exactly it was that they stopped loving the man’s work or when exactly things just plain stopped working for them. My particular view is that King has always been sort of lopsided and uneven. There are moments of brilliance and moments that don’t work and it’s up to each person to pick and choose what does and doesn’t work for them. However, for the most part, Nightmares & Dreamscapes didn’t much work for me. One problem was that it was greatly shot in Australia, but it’s trying to look like America (Or in one case, London) and it just doesn’t. That’s less of a problem here, as part of the show was shot in San Francisco (or someplace trying to look like it mixed with stock footage and matte shots) and the other part was just on a soundstage. None of that is very important though, the only really important question is “Does it work?” or possibly “Is it entertaining?” since I’ve admitted things that are complete train wrecks can be entertaining.

Well, the answer is “Yes.” A further answer might be, “It’s not the best Stephen King adaptation that’s ever been made, but it’s certainly the most fun.”

And that’s when he said goodbye to dignity and just wet himself.

Let’s get talk about the gimmick out of the way right now so it won’t distract us. I’m only mentioning it here at the beginning because if you’ve seen or heard of this episode, you already know about the gimmick. If you haven’t, then the word “gimmick” might put you off and that would be a shame because as gimmicks go, it’s actually more cool than annoying. There is no dialogue in this, not a single real word is spoken. That’s not really a problem though, as we’ll see when I describe the plot to you. It’s not a distraction, it’s not a problem. In fact you only realize that no one has talked about halfway through. After that, it becomes a special little secret you share with the production.

After a hard day’s fighting, they get right back up again.

The story isn’t from Nightmares & Dreamscapes, it’s actually from an earlier collection called Nightshift, and thus comes from an earlier part of King’s career. The story isn’t changed much at all in this production, beyond a few points so minor they scarcely require discussion. The basic set up is that a hit man kills a toy maker, and to get back at him, the toy maker’s mother sends a G.I. Joe footlocker full of soldiers to get him. That really is the whole tale, more or less. We see a little more of the whole in this production, spending the first fifteen minutes on the killing and returning home. While in the airport and on his way back to the place where he lives, he keeps seeing the toys from the toy maker’s office, looking as if they’re watching him. It’s sort of mildly paranoid, and probably would have built the story up more if I didn’t know what was coming.

What the hell did I do last night?

The big fun starts when the footlocker is delivered and the army men packed in the container start to exact vengeance on the hitman. At that point, the story just becomes a battle between the hitman and the soldiers, but one with entertainment value. It’s not just a fight after all, it’s a war between well armed Lilliputians and a Gulliver who is a professional assassin. It’s not an easy battle for either of them, and the end comes after you’d think it would, given the special surprise extra items included in the box. If you’ve read the story, then you know the special item, and it gives some extra fun to what was already a fun episode. I don’t want to ruin it, but it is pretty neat.

Yeah, my toys used to look the same when I was done with them.

This is, without a doubt, the best thing in the series that it comes from. The bad news is that this was the first episode on the first disc, so it’s all down hill from here. The good news is, this episode alone is worth the low price of the DVD set. The other episodes are at least watchable, at least once. In fact, some of them are actually quite good, even if some of them are seriously disappointing when you consider how good the story they were based on is. Yeah, let’s get it out of the way, don’t watch “Umney’s Last Case” if you liked the short story, this will just infuriate you. Some of the others are okay though, really. If nothing else, watch this one episode, you’ll dig it.

SPOILER!

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984/ Lucasfilm/ Dir. Steven Spielberg)

Oh yeah, the first Indy movie I’m going to review and it’s one of the most infamous sequels ever made. Let’s get a statement out of the way straight off, this is a flawed movie. It’s the weakest of the trilogy, and yes I know Crystal Skull exists. We’ll talk about that one some day. It doesn’t work like the others, it doesn’t seem to fit with the others, and there are parts that make even a strong man wince. There is also a woman who spends more time screaming than talking, which I’ll get to. However, there is a lot to defend, or at least understand here, so I won’t just smack it around with a leather strap and call it a day. Besides, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom is the Kill Bill of 1984 and most people don’t even know it. Yes, I will explain that statement. Good movies deserve better than that, and while this might not be a great movie, it is a good one, no matter what those wankers on the internet might say.

Grab your cute sidekick! This movie is gonna be rough.

Okay, so right out the gate you’re giving me that look and justifiably so. If you’re like me, you popped in the movie as soon as you started reading and want to know why I think a film that starts with an old school MGM dance number (in Chinese no less) is worth anything but derision. Did you see my earlier statement about Kill Bill? Okay, now understand that instead of being a fan of 70s exploitation, George Lucas is a fan of all things 1930s Hollywood. He wanted a big musical number in Return of the Jedi with the band in Jaba’s Palace, but technical difficulties prevented what he wanted to do until the Special Edition. So he got a huge, unrealistic, dance number out into Temple. Does it fit? No. Does it work? Not really. However, this was both Lucas and Spielberg’s chance to impersonate Busby Berkeley for 170 seconds. Note that I blame them both here. Spielberg carries as much blame as anyone for what went wrong here as he does in Crystal Skull. However, it’s as much an attempt to recreate the big dance numbers of the 30s (which often had no basis in reality either,) as the fight with the Crazy 88s is an attempt to recreate the battle at the end of any given Lone Wolf and Cub movie. That doesn’t make it a good scene, but you can at least look and say, “Yeah, okay, I see what you were going for.” and that helps a little. There are actually a lot more influences in the Indiana Jones series than just serials. He’s based on a couple of adventure movies from the 50s and 60s, James Bond, Cowboys and yes serials.

How does a man who wears a bowtie get so much tail?

It is nice to see Indy is still kinda dumb. He’s the one who drinks the poison, just like he screwed up the weight of the idol in Raiders. There are nice things in the movie like this, although they’re few and far between. The nice touch everyone remembers being when faced with two swordsmen, Indy reaches into the empty holster and has a moment of panic before using his whip. These nice moments do exist though and prevent the movie from becoming completely valueless. However, there are these other moments. Or rather there’s this huge problem with tone. See, every time the movie gets exciting, or interesting, the movie suddenly tries to be a screwball comedy. Indy drinks the poison, they have the moment with Indy’s friend getting killed, and then suddenly he and Willie are on the floor trying to find the antidote and the diamond while a minor riot happens around them. While the crowd is rushing to try and get out, the band starts and dancing girls run on, just to make more trouble while Indy punches it out with gangsters. It’s screwball stuff that just doesn’t work and spoils the mood. Also, Indy punches a cigarette girl and that’s just not cool.

Nice family.

Let’s talk about some of what does work or at least what seems better. That’s the shorter of the two sections. Indy using a giant gong to hide from a machine gun is fun, and the room of spikes is fun. Some of the interplay between Indy and Willie is kind of good and Ford is probably at his most charming in the scene where he almost seduces Willie. Probably the best single moment is when Indy shows up to save the kids. He’s just never looked that genuinely badass before or since. As dark and angry as the movie is, it helps Indy look like a take-no-shit hero that we all want him to be. In fact, the whole section after that is quite fun. Even a bad Indiana Jones movie has some really good action scenes in it. And while there may be serious flaws, this movie probably does the best job of any of them at reproducing the feel of watching an old Saturday morning serial. It’s far more episodic, more cliff-hangy*, the death traps are far more obvious and contrived. That might not seem like a good thing, but if you want to remake a serial, it is. I mean, do you have idea what the logistics for a descending ceiling with spikes has to be? And hey, the movie has all the great hallmarks of a 30s serial like racism and ignorance about exotic cultures and religions. Wait, what?
*That’s not a real word btw, I checked.

Y halo thar moral panic that results in the PG-13 rating!

Yeah, there is almost nothing about India that’s real in this movie beyond a little backstory. Yeah, the Thuggee cult really existed, and there really are people living in India who speak with that accent, but that’s about it. And the Thugees didn’t rip people’s hearts out and dip them in lava, they strangled travelers and stole their stuff. Sure, there is also the divide between the haves and the have-nots, but even that seems a little extreme in the movie. The Chinese get off a little better, but even there you’ve got the basic yellow peril stereotype in that they’re clever and duplicitous even to the point of having someone say “Why bother?” when trying to work out their scheme and reactions to the situation. I’m not sure that Lucas and Spielberg are trying to be racist, just that they’re reproducing an artifact from a time where racism was the norm. It’s a tricky subject, and it’s best to say that no matter what their intentions might be, it is racist. However, those old serials were often fairly racist, and this movie sort of reflects that. Still makes it a negative though, there’s a reason who don’t make movies like that any more.

He just worked out that this was a bad idea.

So I’ve dragged this out far enough, and I haven’t mentioned the blonde screaming elephant in this particular room. There are two annoying side-kicks in this movie, one of whom is more annoying than the other. So here’s the thing. Syd had never seen Temple before, which is one of the reasons I decided to watch and review it. She didn’t find Short Round annoying, and I always did on previous viewings. He’s a pandering character, and it’s sort of insulting. However, I didn’t find him as annoying this time. Willie however, remains as bad as she was the first time. Her jokes are bad, she’s annoying, you can never see why Indy is interested in her and the screaming… oh the screaming. Is it any wonder that there was never another screaming woman in an Indy movie? Even the actor who played Willie hates the character. There’s only one moment with her screaming that I like, and that’s when she has the “I hate being outside” tantrum, because that feels genuine. That’s a good time, place and reason to start flipping out. Other than that though, no one really likes her… buuuut, again she is part of the pattern of those serials. There were a lot of screamers in those days. There were also a lot of kid side-kicks in those days. If anything, and I know I’ve said it already, Temple hold most strongly to the traditions of the classic serial. I know that will be a shock to lots of people who think they know all about the old serials, even though they never watched one, but it’s true. However, in many ways it shows why we don’t do that anymore. There’s a lot of annoying, stupid, tedious things in those movies. Believe me, I’ve watched a lot of them.

I love my new lamps from Ikea. This one is called NgǖKlǽagĉéü. I have no idea how you pronounce it.

I could talk about the mine ride, but what hasn’t already been said about that? I think what bothers me most is actually a small thing. Indy admits that he understands the power behind the stones at the end, but at the beginning of Raiders he says he doesn’t believe in all that hocus pocus mumbo jumbo. In fact, he never actually sees anything supernatural in Raiders, since he closes his eyes before the ghosts come out of the Ark. It’s sort of a big deal that Indy actually sort of believes in the power of the Ark when he does, and that’s severely undermined by having him believe a year or so before Raiders gets started. I don’t like it, don’t approve, don’t like the aliens being super intelligent pan dimensional beings that go back to the space between spaces or whatever.

All the best characters can be identified by their silhouette. Indy, Vader, Bugs Bunny…

Let’s talk for a moment about what I do approve of. Indy is pretty cool here, that’s good. The fights are interesting and well put together. If the whole underground cult just took place in some made up country, it would be viewed with much more affection I think. I do know people who mark this as their favorite, but those people have a specialized set of standards. This isn’t really a terrible movie, it’s just not as good at the other two in the trilogy. Yeah, there’s a fourth movie, but I honestly think that in 10 years time we’ll be calling that the start of the second trilogy. They’re going to go back to this well, I think it’s inevitable. Go get this one though and give it a go, it’s worth your time. I think there probably is more to say, I’m probably missing a bunch of points, which is why I should keep better notes, but that’s the way life is, this sentence is getting awfully long, maybe I should stop at some point.

It must be the hat, chicks dig the hat.

Brick (2005/Focus Features/ Dir. Rian Johnson)

Okay, so when I first heard the concept of Brick, I was not a fan. Oh goodie, I thought, a Film Noir set in a high school. There will be teens in fedoras and talking fast like their trying to be Jimmy Cagney, despite the fact that Cagney never made a film noir because he was too big a star to be in those b movies. To be perfectly frank, I was expecting a high school version of Bugsy Malone, complete withy pie shooting machine guns. However, I heard some things and someone sent me the movie as a gift and I had to watch it then. So I watched it and was pleased to discover that my fears were misplaced. This wasn’t a bunch of teenagers playing at film noir, it was film noir playing with a bunch of teenagers. That probably sounds like I said the same thing, but it’s the difference of “I mean what I say is the same thing as I say what I mean.” If you get my drift. To put it in a short, declarative sentence: These guys got what film noir means rather than just trying to ape what it looks like.

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

We’ll skip the ‘what works and what doesn’t work’ talk that I normally do here lately, because almost everything works like it’s supposed to. If you’re not digging the movie, then you probably don’t like detective stories much, because this is a private detective story just with the P.I. being a high school student. It’s pretty much kept in the realm of high school as well. Everything here is something that these people could realistically get into. We never have car chases, or gun fights with gangsters in Chinese restaurants. The scale of the story works in the context. As I say, this is a film that really works. I hope you aren’t tired of me saying that, because that phrase is going to come up again. So let’s talk about why I think it works…

A lot of lens flares here. Starting to look a bit too Star Trek for my tastes.

Adults: None. Interestingly, adults don’t really exist in this world. There are a few adults in it, but they’re rarely seen and don’t have a lot of impact beyond the sort of Charlie Brown muted trumpets. You could have almost eliminated them entirely and had no impact on the movie. There is one part that needs the adult and that’s Richard Roundtree’s Assistant Vice Principal who serves as the single authority figure in the movie. True, he plays like an Assistant D.A. right out of TV Tropes or at least out of Film Noir Tropesif there is such a website, which I doubt. This won’t be the last trope, we get a lot of them, but not a narration. Narration is no where near as prevalent in Film Noir as parody and Neo-Noir would have you think. We also avoid a few of the other tropes, like the hard lighting and the constant smoking. Visually, only one character looks like what their character is supposed to be. The femme fatale looks like she wants to be in a movie from the late 40s or possibly the early 60s. Her looks bounces around, but it keeps being like a femme fatale from one of these movies and that’s sort of distracting because no one else looks like their counterparts, but rather like a real person who lives in this world. I suppose you could say that Laura is trying to make that her look, but it’s still distracting when no one else is leaning in that direction.

Huh… well, that’s not what I was expecting to see.

There are a couple of things that really bring a smile to my face, and one of them is how the main character (Brendan) deals with people who would normally be the main antagonist for a movie like this. The football player is quickly dispatched in a single fist fight, and the punk is made out to be a useless pothead before he’s even beat up. The football player particularly is interesting, since he constantly complains about not being put in the game, although it seems to me the coach isn’t putting him in the game because he’s a dope head and possibly a dealer. You have to work to that conclusion, because there are no adults in this world and like every good Hammett story, we keep with Brendan’s viewpoint for the entire tale. The pothead punk though, isn’t nearly as useless as he’s first portrayed as being, although he might be as stupid as he first appears. I really like how character archetypes from Hard Boiled fiction and Film Noir are easily slotted into the world of high school without any real twisting or deliberate mis-shaping. It all just fits, and no one has to fast talk like Jimmy Cagney.

I really just want someone to hold me.

This isn’t an action movie, it’s a murder mystery. There are a couple of bodies, but no big scenes of action with people getting killed. When you see a body, it’s a big deal here. The fist fights are small deals, at least for the most part and you never get the idea of anyone being really imperiled beyond getting their butts kicked. There is danger, but no one thinks that the danger is really going to be fatal. Until you get to the third act, but what kind of an asshole would I have to be to ruin the movie for you? Particularly a movie like this. No, I won’t give you even a hint of a run down of the movie, because almost anything but a bare bones explanation is a major dick move.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty.

Speaking of bodies, it’s no spoiler to give you at least an idea of what the movie is about. The movie opens with a body, like before you even get the title card there is a corpse. I think I’m justified in giving you that much. Brendan’s ex-girlfriend is killed, after calling him in a panic for help with something that she barely explains. Once he gets to talking to her though, she tells him it was a mistake to call and he should just drop it, just like everyone else in the movie does. That’s Film Noir Trope #4 by the way, just in case you were wondering. When Brendan finds the girl dead, he decides to work out who killed her. This sends him down a path looking for not just the killer, but the situation that got her killed. What makes it a great Hammett style story is that he does all this for a girl who dumped him months ago and who didn’t like him much. And he does all this for no profit and in fact, he looses quite a bit by the end.

Now that’s classy.

One interesting point though, and it comes across as part of the feel, you can sort of tell the movie was written in 1996 or so. Here are my reasons. There are no cell phones, there is no internet, and there are actually still phone booths in this world. That helps though, it gives credence to the feeling of this being a retrofied story. Of course if you just decide the story really takes place in 1996, well, that’s okay I suppose. There’s really not much that would say you’re wrong, not really. It doesn’t really matter when the movie takes place exactly. Either way, you should probably go get a copy on DVD. It’s a pretty good movie.

A scene from the up coming Harry Potter and the Killer In The Rain.

Ronin (1998/ United Artists/ Dir. John Frankenheimer)

You k now what I think? I think they should make the whole plane out of the stuff they make the black box out of. You know what else I think? I think that Ronin is the last great action movie of the 70s. I say that for a few reasons, but the number one is that everything just feels like the 70s here. I should expand it to the late 60s as well, but you get my meaning perhaps. It would fit right in with a night of watching great action/thrillers like The Ipcress File, The Day of the Jackal and The French Connection. You could have made this movie in 1975 and only a few changes in technology would have to be downgraded. Of course, some of those downgrades would change plot points, so lets be glad things are as they are. The point is that this is an old fashioned action movie, the sort they just don’t seem to make anymore. Of course it was old fashioned at the time, which was part of the point, I suspect. Either way, let’s talk about a great action movie…

For an action movie, they sit around this table an awful lot

The outline of the plot is this… A group of mercenaries, mostly made up ex-military are hired to steal a mystery case. Once they steal the case, things fail to go as planned and they’re forced to try and steal it again. That’s a very broad outline for a movie full of twists and turns. You note that I don’t mention who is hiring this band of mercs, which is because it’s never quite clear beyond the principals being Irish. You’ll note I don’t mention what’s in the case, that’s because we never actually find out. And really, if you watch carefully, you’ll find that you don’t get a lot of superfluous information that a movie would normally hand you in the normal course of things. You’re never actually given any more than you absolutely need and you have to really pay attention to get it. You rarely get movies like this now, movies that hand you almost nothing but are also deeply detailed. We sort of lost that sort of thing in the 80s, I think people found that the heavily layered effect was difficult and didn’t net that much more acclaim than simple and explodey.

Negotiations for the office lunch have officially broken down.

So that’s the plot, or the basics of it. I’m not going to go into all the betrayal and chasing for former colleagues across France, because really you should watch this movie for yourself. However, if I haven’t made it clear yet, allow me now to state exactly what sort of movie you can expect to see here. This is a heist movie, where you see the planning, execution and then the chasing down the double-crossing so-and-so. The heist and double cross actually comes fairly early in the movie, so that’s not a spoiler. There are two major car chases in this movie, and a couple of other minor action scenes, but this isn’t actually a big action movie. There is a lot of good stunt work, and excellent stunt driving, but what really holds this movie together are the performances from a really first rate cast.

Little boxes with buttons, is there anything they can’t do?

However, since we’re here, and I’m watching the movie, we might as well talk about the action scenes. What you’ve got is a decent firefight under a bridge in Paris, which is short but you get to hear Sean Bean swearing. That’s useful if you want to re-edit the sound on Lord of The Rings. Then you’ve got the first car chase in Nice and the surrounding area. This is mostly a chase down rural freeways and a little bit of gun play. It’s a good primer for the main event which will come later. Then you’ve got some more gunplay in a Roman arena in Arles. These action scenes get a little more intense until the main event which is the big car chase through Paris. The Paris chase is what all other car chases are to be judged by and the only thing that comes even close in my view is the Moscow Chase in The Bourne Supremacy. However, that chase is a little too chaotic and in Ronin you can tell exactly where you are and what’s going on. In fact, if you go to Paris and look around, you can tell where scenes were shot and while you can’t follow the route on foot, you can follow the route. Not that I tired when I was in Paris or anything. There’s one more little gunfight after the big Paris chase, but it’s a minor point, almost a dénouement really. Still, action wise it’s worth watching.

Yup, they really go there.

Now as for philosophy, the movie actually has some, surprising as that might be. There is a section where the story of the 47 Ronin is explained and brought into context. The greater philosophy is that the spy games that ended in late 80s left us with a lot of spies and no master to serve, making these men like Ronin. It’s not like the whole movie is a meditation on this subject, its one scene that lays out the idea and the movie walks away and lets you have a nice car to take your mind off things. It is nice though, to have the movie admit that there might be more to think about than just what’s in the case.

Nope, no joke, just neat graffiti.

About the only reasons I can think that a person wouldn’t like this movie is if A) You don’t like action movies, B) You think it’s not an action movie unless things explode every four minutes or C) You thought this was going to be more quiet intrigue and less driving cars through Paris at 100 mph. I can honestly see how this might not be your cup of tea, because it is possible for some people to like John Woo more than John Frankenheimer. Otherwise, you should dig this flick. It’s pretty cheap on DVD or you can get it on Netflix. Totally worth your time.

Would you believe this is what passes for serious detective work in this movie?

Really? All the movies I’ve reviewed and this is the first Jackie Chan movie? Huh, that’s odd. This is as good a place as any to start with Chan. As far as I’m able to tell, this is Chan’s first directorial effort, even though Kenneth Tsang helped out. The thing is, this is a really cheap movie. Really cheap. You know how Shaw Brothers movies tend to look like a poor man’s version of old Hollywood movies? No? Do we need a Shaw Brothers primer? Okay, note to self, review a Shaw Brothers classic sometime. Let me break it down quickly. A lot of the Shaw’s movies were studio bound in a way that soap operas would find embarrassing. I’ve seen Shaw films that have almost no exterior shots, despite the fact that much of the movie ostensibly takes place outside. One Armed Swordsman comes to mind. The Shaws did build a backlot, and used it to great effect, but many movies still have a great deal of indoor studio shooting. The reason I bring this up is that things like Fearless Hyena didn’t have as much money as a Shaw production. That’s my point. They’re not even as expensive as a poor man’s knock-off. However, along with more exterior shoots (the forest is CHEAP!) there is also a bit more soul here. Chan and company are working their butts off to produce a new kind of kung fu movie. It worked too, this movie even supplanted Chan’s break-out film Drunken Master as the highest grossing movie in Hong Kong.

So a little background to where Kung-Fu movies were at this time. While Bruce Lee had breathed life into the HK action scene for a while, after his death things more or less went back to the way they had been. That means a lot of historical settings, very stagey action, and acting that was more akin to the opera than anything even remotely approaching naturalistic. Yes, there were Brucesploitation movies, but even they tended to fall into the same pattern. One thing you almost never got in kung-fu movies was comedy. You’d get grim tough guys, fighting grim baddies in a set and standard story style. Jackie Chan wanted, very badly, to change all that. Now while Fearless Hyena doesn’t change everything, it does inject a few things that were new at the time. It’s not a perfect movie by any stretch, but it is pretty decent.

What’s wrong with the movie? Well, the three acts sort of fall into place with a loud and rather sickening thud. First Jackie’s character (Shing Lung, but we might as well just call him Jackie) is irresponsible and gets into fights a lot. His grandfather tries to train in him Kung Fu and teach him responsibility, but it sort of fails. During this early part of the movie Jackie’s supposed to find work, which leads to a fairly funny bit with a coffin seller. The second act opens when some gamblers he beat up ask him to teach kung-fu at a school they work at. After the second act starts, the events of the first act are more or less forgotten. Likewise, once the third act begins, with the death of Jackie’s grandfather and the eventual revenge. That’s not a spoiler, that’s a definition of Jackie Chan’s movies for the first seven or eight years of his career. The point is, the script is mechanical and perfunctory.

So what’s right about the movie? Well, let’s start with its great weakness. There doesn’t really need to be much of a script. Like a Charlie Chaplin movie, the story is just a framework on which comedy and fights can be laid out. The comedy, while broad, is pretty funny. Granted, it’s funny in a Chaplin/Three Stooges kind of way, but what exactly is wrong with that? The bits where Chan dresses up as an idiot and a girl to fight challengers to his school is still some of the funniest fighting I’ve ever seen. This is a really funny movie, even if it more or less drops the comedy in the third act. The comedy isn’t completely gone though. A sequence where two characters fight over a morsel of food with chopsticks is pretty good and sort of makes fun of the staged action of a Shaw Brothers movie.

How is the action then? Pretty good for the time, but not spectacular as action in and of itself. When the serious fighting at the end commences, the movie is just following a path to its forgone conclusion. It’s actually more impressive watching the training than the final fight. However, given that naturalistic fighting wasn’t really a thing at this time, and that you can almost hear the metronome counting off beats as they fight, it’s not bad. It is however obviously a swan song for this sort of Kung Fu movie. Chan soon after abandoned this style of film fighting, going for a more naturalistic and fast paced approach. Once he proved to be the leading star in Hong Kong, others followed his lead and the world of Kung Fu cinema changed forever.

So in the end, this is an interesting step towards a greater kind of movie, but it’s not much beyond that. It’s pretty good, but a long way from being great. You can watch it online for free if you look for it, I think it’s probably in the public domain at this point. You could also get it on get it on DVD. I would recommend watching it, but don’t go in thinking you’re going to see some groundbreaking wonder because you aren’t. However, you will see something funny and that’s worth your time.